McCain has adamantly supported the policy not because he personally liked it, but because the military wanted it:

“And I understand the opposition to it, and I’ve had these debates and discussions, but the day that the leadership of the military comes to me and says, senator, we ought to change the policy, then I think we ought to consider seriously changing it because those leaders in the military are the ones we give the responsibility to.” Senator John McCain, October 2006

Unfortunately, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff doesn’t want to save Western Civilization anymore! This makes him evil. He’s like all “Western Civilization. Meh.” He told the Senate:

“No matter how I look at the issue, I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens..allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly would be the right thing to do.” Admiral Mike Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Jan 2

This made John McCain angry! Because he wants to keep us safe! So he said now it doesn’t matter what the top military officers thought, or even that wussy Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. No, it was really all about what General Colin Powell thinks:

“The reason why I supported the policy to start with is because General Colin Powell, who was then the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, is the one that strongly recommended we adopt this policy in the Clinton administration. I have not heard General Powell or any of the other military leaders reverse their position.” Senator John McCain, Jan 4

So there. But the godly senator was fragged the next day by this very same general, who was apparently forced to betray America by the secret International Homosexual Conspiracy:

“In the almost 17 years since the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ legislation was passed, attitudes and circumstances have changed. I fully support the new approach presented to the Senate Armed Services Committee this week by Secretary of Defense Gates and Admiral Mullen.” General Colin Powell, Jan 5

Pity poor Senator McCain. Not only does his beloved military now turn against him, but even his own wife and daughter now love The Gays. Cindy and Meghan will soon be joining Al Qaeda because of this. So now the senator must turn to our last hope, The Olds, to make his case, as he desperately seeks veterans of the Spanish-American War who will support his fight to save America.

Some brave Republicans are standing with McCain in this epic battle for freedom. Rep. Duncan Hunter of California has warned of the danger of hermaphrodites taking over the armed forces, and the heroic Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia has painted a terrifying picture of the kind of military we will have unless McCain is victorious over The Gays, a military where “alcohol use, adultery, fraternization and body art” are common. This is unprecedented! Horrifying!

Now you may think of dodgeball as the most pathetic athletic copout ever. You know, when the teacher just threw a ball onto the asphalt so kids could go wild bashing in each others’ faces while the teacher went out to smoke a cigarette. But don’t you know it’s a God-given Murkin right to engage in this most sublime art form? It’s even called “sports.” The White Supremacists are all over this sissy shit, and good for them. They all loved playing dodgeball as kids, before they got their first gun.

Thank God for those John Birchers, too. They are wise to the anti-male program in our schools. See what happens when God is thrown out of school?

And Phyllis Schlafly is on to the Feminist vendetta against men, also. She knows how women think, having been one in the past, before she became Phyllis Schlafly. American kids are getting fat and lazy, she warns. Not that she’s worried about their health —God no, that would be socialist—but because it makes them unable to fight wars. And that’s a crisis, because Phyllis Schalfly has several wars in mind. Also, damn Chinese smirking over their precious Olympic medals.

Let’s see if they’re still smirking after we get our teenagers in shape and send them over there to devastate their cities, right Phyllis? When their precious Olympic medals are destroyed along with their precious stadiums and high-rises and underground churches and stuff.

Teachers. You see now why they’re nefarious? They would love nothing better than to see a mushroom cloud sprouting over every Murkin suburb, and Chinese getting jewelry. Why else would they want to ban dodgeball? Watch out for them.

Drop-cap goodness courtesy of Jessica Hische’s Daily Drop Cap, visible in participating browsers.