That is, of course, if a “Canadian bank expert” can be believed. This expert is positively cackling with demonic glee over this impending catastrophe.

And who let the Canadians have banks, anyway? No doubt the damn Democrats.

First of all, you should know that the so-called Canadian dollar is not Real Money. For one thing, it is not even paper, but a coin! That clearly proves their malicious intent. And there is no mention of God on their money! By definition, their money is Godless! This is clearly demonstrated by the fact that their coins have no Decent Protestant Gentlemen on them, only animals. Which, of course, the Canadians worship.

Once the maniacally Pantheistic Canadians have brought America to its knees with their Godless money, you know what comes next: invasion. For centuries they have been eagerly awaiting the day when they could take over our fine Christian Nation in their lust for Hulu. Once our Canadian overlords have enslaved us, you know the final indignity will be their ruthless imposition of free health care. Then all hope will be lost.

Arise, Patriots©! Especially you who can see Ottawa from your houses. Demand that this evil nation be obliterated before their common sense, thrift and tolerance threaten our downfall.

Raymond Arroyo, who we are told is the principle teacher of Catholic things in the United States, apparently has a show on EWTN called “The World Over.” Although we don’t really understand what that means, it’s a terrific show! Arroyo had this guest thing called a “Marc Thiessen,” which was identified as the Chief Speechifier of the Bush Administration. This experience naturally makes Thiessen an expert on Catholic theology, because if you listen to them carefully all the Bush speeches sound just like the sermons of St. John Chrysostom.

The genial Arroyo asks Thiessen to expound on proper Catholic teaching on this matter. “Even many Catholics, many viewers of this program,” Raymond Arroyo says, are questioning the value of torture! Please tell us why we should support this unconditionally.

Thiessen explains that he loves his mother, who was once a Nazi prisoner. This is somehow relevant. Then he pledges allegiance to The Geneva Conventions, which forbids torture. Luckily, none of the “interrogation techniques” are torture! See how simple it is? All you have to do is change the word, and everything is OK!

Thiessen explains why he came up with this new Catholic way to support The Things That Are Not Torture:

I try to do my best to live up to the Magisterium of the Church in my life. So to me it was important to understand that these techniques were effective, they were necessary, there was no other way to get the information, and that they were carried out in a moral way.

This is an important example for us all. Begin with a conclusion and then look for the reasoning. Otherwise, you’re nothing but a librul. Now as a general rule, when EWTN or other Great Defenders of the Truth want to make a point, they Google papal documents to support their position. This is more difficult in the case of The Things That Are Not Torture, because the popes do not seem to understand the situation. And neither do evil libruls like Christiane Amanpour. Arroyo congratulates Thiessen for giving Amanpour “the smackdown” when she used the T word. Then they giggle at his great rhetorical triumph.

What people don’t understand, Thiessen explains, is that The Muslims want to be subjected to The Things That Are Not Torture! We are only doing them a favor when we do, because it gives them religious wiggle-room to spill their guts. Thiessen says Khalid Sheik Muhammad gave his waterboarding experience an enthusiastic five-star thumbs-up on Yelp: “You must do this for all the brothers,” he pleaded. Maybe KSM knew all about that Green Balloons thing.

As you might imagine, though, the real enemy is Barack Obama. By turning up his nose at The Things That Are Not Torture, Thiessen says Obama “gave the enemy a playbook for how to resist interrogation.” This is because all the people in the Bush Administration were such geniuses that they derived totally new “techniques” and stuff that have not been around since the Inquisition. These “techniques” are so new and secret they should be patented!

But the audience of EWTN was somewhat appalled, because they do not understand the greatness of Thiessen’s theology. They kept emailing in complaining about what he was saying. Luckily, Arroyo did not air any of these heretical opinions. He just laughed at these poor ignorant people. As well he should have, because he has Truth on his side!

Be afraid of Barack Obama and his evil compassion, stopping The Things That Are Not Torture and closing the tropical resort at Guantánamo Bay. We have Thiessen’s personal assurance that neither of these were Al Qaeda recruiting tools. He explained: “Evil always makes up an excuse.”

Amen, brother. Amen.

McCain has adamantly supported the policy not because he personally liked it, but because the military wanted it:

“And I understand the opposition to it, and I’ve had these debates and discussions, but the day that the leadership of the military comes to me and says, senator, we ought to change the policy, then I think we ought to consider seriously changing it because those leaders in the military are the ones we give the responsibility to.” Senator John McCain, October 2006

Unfortunately, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff doesn’t want to save Western Civilization anymore! This makes him evil. He’s like all “Western Civilization. Meh.” He told the Senate:

“No matter how I look at the issue, I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens..allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly would be the right thing to do.” Admiral Mike Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Jan 2

This made John McCain angry! Because he wants to keep us safe! So he said now it doesn’t matter what the top military officers thought, or even that wussy Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. No, it was really all about what General Colin Powell thinks:

“The reason why I supported the policy to start with is because General Colin Powell, who was then the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, is the one that strongly recommended we adopt this policy in the Clinton administration. I have not heard General Powell or any of the other military leaders reverse their position.” Senator John McCain, Jan 4

So there. But the godly senator was fragged the next day by this very same general, who was apparently forced to betray America by the secret International Homosexual Conspiracy:

“In the almost 17 years since the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ legislation was passed, attitudes and circumstances have changed. I fully support the new approach presented to the Senate Armed Services Committee this week by Secretary of Defense Gates and Admiral Mullen.” General Colin Powell, Jan 5

Pity poor Senator McCain. Not only does his beloved military now turn against him, but even his own wife and daughter now love The Gays. Cindy and Meghan will soon be joining Al Qaeda because of this. So now the senator must turn to our last hope, The Olds, to make his case, as he desperately seeks veterans of the Spanish-American War who will support his fight to save America.

Some brave Republicans are standing with McCain in this epic battle for freedom. Rep. Duncan Hunter of California has warned of the danger of hermaphrodites taking over the armed forces, and the heroic Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia has painted a terrifying picture of the kind of military we will have unless McCain is victorious over The Gays, a military where “alcohol use, adultery, fraternization and body art” are common. This is unprecedented! Horrifying!

For years evil libruls have treated corporations as second-class citizens, even claiming they were not real people—which they are! As such, corporations were not permitted to spend their own money to tell the other non-corporate citizens about their plight. All that’s done away with now. Corporations can spend as much as they want in elections and policy issues.

Brave people like Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell have been fighting for these oppressed corporations for years. His dedication to civil rights has been selfless and untiring. Relieved and emotional, he said today the court’s decision is “an important step in the direction of restoring the First Amendment rights of these groups.”

Of course the libruls who have infiltrated the Supreme Court, In-justices Stevens, Ginsburg, Breyer and Sotomayor, engaged in some typical loser whimpering:

[C]orporations have no consciences, no beliefs, no feelings, no thoughts, no desires. Corporations help structure and facilitate the activities of human beings, to be sure, and their “personhood” often serves as a useful legal fiction. But they are not themselves members of “We the People” by whom and for whom our Constitution was established.

Note the typical librul obsession with “feelings.” Honestly, how do these people even face themselves in the mirror? They seem entirely unconcerned with the plight of corporations in this country; how they struggle daily against discrimination and dream of a better life for their subsidiaries. No doubt libruls would like to see corporations lynched and denied seats at lunch-counters.

By the way, our hero Justice Clarence Thomas also issued his own little statement. He agreed with everything the Court said except the part about free speech being public. He feels those exercising free speech should be kept secret so they aren’t murdered by rampaging gangs of The Gays. An Important Point.

So good news today, friends, because a great fear has been lifted from us! Keep watching out for those libruls and their restrictive ideas of who is a person—and those marauding bands of homosexuals—but today we win one! We shall overcome!

This week the afore-mentioned Real Murkin Justices quashed a move by the whippersnapper justices to allow the television machines into a court-room to chronicle the proceedings of Perry v. Schwarzenegger. That’s the case about “Proposition 8″ in that new state, California, way out past St. Louis, where some loony folk are arguing about Marriage. Some of them dabble in The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name. You know.

All the same, it’s not like the Court is averse to the new labour-saving devices. Many of their stenographers use the new deluxe typewriters called “computers.” And they do allow correspondents from the journalistic broadsheets to attend; some may even indulge in drawing pictures they can later convert to engravings for publication in their journalistic journals, with printing! So the Court embraces this new thing by that Gutenberg fellow. Correspondents are even free to telegraph their scribblings, so long as they do so respectfully, outside The Hallowed Precincts.

But the line must be drawn somewhere, and the Patriots on the Bench realize that the new “teevee” machines show Actual People. Mercy me. This is not what the Framers wanted when they required Public Trials, for people to be actually seen! Trials should be secret, with only dignified engravings depicting the August Proceedings.

So God bless this Supreme Court, or at least the Justices who stand up to these modern doohickeys the kids think are the cat’s pajamas. The new-fangled “teevee” thingamajig is your enemy, unless it is tuned to the “Fox News” vaudeville show. Then it is indeed a blessing.

Here’s how Rush Limbaugh responded to those who said we should give money to relief services. Thank you, Rush, for clarifying the proper conservative response:

Asshat

Keep it classy, Rush, keep it classy. Keep those bleeding hearts at bay.

Update: Rush is not going to let this helping Haiti nonsense go without continued principled opposition. On January 15 he complained that the U.S. military is not killing enough people, but is now providing (gasp) humanitarian relief: “The U.S. military is now Meals on Wheels. It always is with Democrat presidents.” God help us all.

Turns out the Haitians all made a deal with the Devil. In return for the Devil giving them freedom and making them all fabulously wealthy, the Haitians would be his BFFs. Despite the fact that the Devil hardly seems to have kept his end of the bargain, our Chief Fundamentalist Fearmonger Pat Robertson assures us the Haitians have. They just love the Devil over there! So that’s why God smote them. “True Story!” the predator pastor smirks.

Patty says this deal took place hundreds of years ago. Presumably God has been too busy to get around to smiting the Haitians, what with sending two airliners into the World Trade Center to punish The Gays in San Francisco and sending Katrina because, oh darn, who was that supposed to punish?

Whatever. The point is that you should be afraid of the Devil, because he can make a deal with you without you even knowing it and then one day God shows up in the skies above you, furious and throwing lightning bolts and stuff. Watch Pat Robertson every day! Only he can keep you safe. And don’t send money to Haiti, send it to Pat Robertson. He really needs it.

You see, Guantanamo is not like some sort of prison with inmates wearing orange jumpsuits. No, it’s all been upgraded. Inmates now wear soft earthen tones. I think Marc Jacobs would approve.

And because Guantánamo is so luxurious, The Weekly Standard assures us “Guantánamo has simply never been a major part of al Qaeda’s recruitment strategy.” You see, that’s because the “inmates” are actually treated like visiting royalty!

They can play soccer, basketball, or foosball; exercise on elliptical equipment; and consort with their fellow detainees for up to 20 hours per day in the outdoor recreation area. They can take art classes or learn English.

Also, they read Harry Potter novels. No report on whether they think Dumbledore is gay.

This same resort atmosphere is also apparent at a visit to the supposedly “secret” U.S. prisons in Afghanistan. Secret my ass. The Weekly Standard proves they are not “secret.” True, no one is allowed to say where they are located, and prisoners (Oops, sorry, “detainees”) there are not allowed protection under the Geneva Convention, but does that make them “secret?” Come on now.

The Weekly Standard’s Willy Stern visited these supposedly secret prisons. He can’t say where they are, but he emphatically assures us they are not “secret.” There prisoners frolic in idyllic surroundings and genially invite him into their luxury suites for tea to enjoy soccer on their 40-inch HDTVs. The Weekly Standard points out that not even our troops enjoy such luxury! The kindly guards sing the prisoners to sleep every night with soft lullabys. And the Red Cross can even visit, although they are not allowed to speak to any of the prisoners. So there.

Interrogation techniques? They are “clever” according to The Weekly Standard. Partly because the interrogators wear regular clothes! How humane! Plus, there are not a bunch of “uptight lawyers…looking over your shoulder.” Hahaha! Stupid lawyers.

There’s this women’s prison in Afghanistan. It’s “spacious, with doe-eyed children frolicking in the courtyard on a blue swing set, slide, and seesaw. There’s also a small classroom and a huge pile of American toys–think Spiderman dolls–donated by aid groups in the United States.” Because Republicans are always collecting money to give toys to children in Afghan prisons, you know.

And there’s this men’s prison that’s “so nice that many accused criminals with political connections pull strings to win admission.” Presumably because the interrogations are “clever” without annoying attorneys or the Red Cross allowed. Boo-yeah.

So watch out for those libruls who want to close Guantánamo and all our non-secret prisons around the world. They want to deprive these detainees of their luxurious resort lifestyles by sending them to Illinois—where they can use their terrorist superpowers to enslave small-town Illinois people with mind control—and also prevent these Muslims from being tortured, as God demands. See why God hates libruls?

Drop-cap goodness courtesy of Jessica Hische’s Daily Drop Cap, visible in participating browsers.

Now you may think of dodgeball as the most pathetic athletic copout ever. You know, when the teacher just threw a ball onto the asphalt so kids could go wild bashing in each others’ faces while the teacher went out to smoke a cigarette. But don’t you know it’s a God-given Murkin right to engage in this most sublime art form? It’s even called “sports.” The White Supremacists are all over this sissy shit, and good for them. They all loved playing dodgeball as kids, before they got their first gun.

Thank God for those John Birchers, too. They are wise to the anti-male program in our schools. See what happens when God is thrown out of school?

And Phyllis Schlafly is on to the Feminist vendetta against men, also. She knows how women think, having been one in the past, before she became Phyllis Schlafly. American kids are getting fat and lazy, she warns. Not that she’s worried about their health —God no, that would be socialist—but because it makes them unable to fight wars. And that’s a crisis, because Phyllis Schalfly has several wars in mind. Also, damn Chinese smirking over their precious Olympic medals.

Let’s see if they’re still smirking after we get our teenagers in shape and send them over there to devastate their cities, right Phyllis? When their precious Olympic medals are destroyed along with their precious stadiums and high-rises and underground churches and stuff.

Teachers. You see now why they’re nefarious? They would love nothing better than to see a mushroom cloud sprouting over every Murkin suburb, and Chinese getting jewelry. Why else would they want to ban dodgeball? Watch out for them.

Drop-cap goodness courtesy of Jessica Hische’s Daily Drop Cap, visible in participating browsers.

Everyone’s on to its sinister motives. Come on, you must have noticed its appeals to compassion, not letting greedy corporations kill people, and (gasp) science. It is pure unadulterated Communism, for people who hate America. And God hates it too, because he wants Murkins to plunder the wealth of every place they can get to, or even imagine! And did you notice the skimpy costumes and flowers and such? It’s The Gays at it again. All the forces of evil are joining together to kill Murkins!

You know who else made propaganda movies? Hitler. Cameron is the Leni Riefenstahl of the 21st Century. Because Communism is basically the same as Nazism, in that it’s not Murkin. Like Canada.

Of course it’s no news that Hollywood is out to destroy America. Their terrifying blood lust knows no bounds. But what would good, decent white Murkins do without a teevee in front of the couch or a night out at the multiplex? Read? Oh come now, reading is for libruls. It’s dangerous.

Drop-cap goodness courtesy of Jessica Hische’s Daily Drop Cap, visible in participating browsers.