Turns out the Haitians all made a deal with the Devil. In return for the Devil giving them freedom and making them all fabulously wealthy, the Haitians would be his BFFs. Despite the fact that the Devil hardly seems to have kept his end of the bargain, our Chief Fundamentalist Fearmonger Pat Robertson assures us the Haitians have. They just love the Devil over there! So that’s why God smote them. “True Story!” the predator pastor smirks.

Patty says this deal took place hundreds of years ago. Presumably God has been too busy to get around to smiting the Haitians, what with sending two airliners into the World Trade Center to punish The Gays in San Francisco and sending Katrina because, oh darn, who was that supposed to punish?

Whatever. The point is that you should be afraid of the Devil, because he can make a deal with you without you even knowing it and then one day God shows up in the skies above you, furious and throwing lightning bolts and stuff. Watch Pat Robertson every day! Only he can keep you safe. And don’t send money to Haiti, send it to Pat Robertson. He really needs it.