Raymond Arroyo, who we are told is the principle teacher of Catholic things in the United States, apparently has a show on EWTN called “The World Over.” Although we don’t really understand what that means, it’s a terrific show! Arroyo had this guest thing called a “Marc Thiessen,” which was identified as the Chief Speechifier of the Bush Administration. This experience naturally makes Thiessen an expert on Catholic theology, because if you listen to them carefully all the Bush speeches sound just like the sermons of St. John Chrysostom.

The genial Arroyo asks Thiessen to expound on proper Catholic teaching on this matter. “Even many Catholics, many viewers of this program,” Raymond Arroyo says, are questioning the value of torture! Please tell us why we should support this unconditionally.

Thiessen explains that he loves his mother, who was once a Nazi prisoner. This is somehow relevant. Then he pledges allegiance to The Geneva Conventions, which forbids torture. Luckily, none of the “interrogation techniques” are torture! See how simple it is? All you have to do is change the word, and everything is OK!

Thiessen explains why he came up with this new Catholic way to support The Things That Are Not Torture:

I try to do my best to live up to the Magisterium of the Church in my life. So to me it was important to understand that these techniques were effective, they were necessary, there was no other way to get the information, and that they were carried out in a moral way.

This is an important example for us all. Begin with a conclusion and then look for the reasoning. Otherwise, you’re nothing but a librul. Now as a general rule, when EWTN or other Great Defenders of the Truth want to make a point, they Google papal documents to support their position. This is more difficult in the case of The Things That Are Not Torture, because the popes do not seem to understand the situation. And neither do evil libruls like Christiane Amanpour. Arroyo congratulates Thiessen for giving Amanpour “the smackdown” when she used the T word. Then they giggle at his great rhetorical triumph.

What people don’t understand, Thiessen explains, is that The Muslims want to be subjected to The Things That Are Not Torture! We are only doing them a favor when we do, because it gives them religious wiggle-room to spill their guts. Thiessen says Khalid Sheik Muhammad gave his waterboarding experience an enthusiastic five-star thumbs-up on Yelp: “You must do this for all the brothers,” he pleaded. Maybe KSM knew all about that Green Balloons thing.

As you might imagine, though, the real enemy is Barack Obama. By turning up his nose at The Things That Are Not Torture, Thiessen says Obama “gave the enemy a playbook for how to resist interrogation.” This is because all the people in the Bush Administration were such geniuses that they derived totally new “techniques” and stuff that have not been around since the Inquisition. These “techniques” are so new and secret they should be patented!

But the audience of EWTN was somewhat appalled, because they do not understand the greatness of Thiessen’s theology. They kept emailing in complaining about what he was saying. Luckily, Arroyo did not air any of these heretical opinions. He just laughed at these poor ignorant people. As well he should have, because he has Truth on his side!

Be afraid of Barack Obama and his evil compassion, stopping The Things That Are Not Torture and closing the tropical resort at Guantánamo Bay. We have Thiessen’s personal assurance that neither of these were Al Qaeda recruiting tools. He explained: “Evil always makes up an excuse.”

Amen, brother. Amen.

You see, Guantanamo is not like some sort of prison with inmates wearing orange jumpsuits. No, it’s all been upgraded. Inmates now wear soft earthen tones. I think Marc Jacobs would approve.

And because Guantánamo is so luxurious, The Weekly Standard assures us “Guantánamo has simply never been a major part of al Qaeda’s recruitment strategy.” You see, that’s because the “inmates” are actually treated like visiting royalty!

They can play soccer, basketball, or foosball; exercise on elliptical equipment; and consort with their fellow detainees for up to 20 hours per day in the outdoor recreation area. They can take art classes or learn English.

Also, they read Harry Potter novels. No report on whether they think Dumbledore is gay.

This same resort atmosphere is also apparent at a visit to the supposedly “secret” U.S. prisons in Afghanistan. Secret my ass. The Weekly Standard proves they are not “secret.” True, no one is allowed to say where they are located, and prisoners (Oops, sorry, “detainees”) there are not allowed protection under the Geneva Convention, but does that make them “secret?” Come on now.

The Weekly Standard’s Willy Stern visited these supposedly secret prisons. He can’t say where they are, but he emphatically assures us they are not “secret.” There prisoners frolic in idyllic surroundings and genially invite him into their luxury suites for tea to enjoy soccer on their 40-inch HDTVs. The Weekly Standard points out that not even our troops enjoy such luxury! The kindly guards sing the prisoners to sleep every night with soft lullabys. And the Red Cross can even visit, although they are not allowed to speak to any of the prisoners. So there.

Interrogation techniques? They are “clever” according to The Weekly Standard. Partly because the interrogators wear regular clothes! How humane! Plus, there are not a bunch of “uptight lawyers…looking over your shoulder.” Hahaha! Stupid lawyers.

There’s this women’s prison in Afghanistan. It’s “spacious, with doe-eyed children frolicking in the courtyard on a blue swing set, slide, and seesaw. There’s also a small classroom and a huge pile of American toys–think Spiderman dolls–donated by aid groups in the United States.” Because Republicans are always collecting money to give toys to children in Afghan prisons, you know.

And there’s this men’s prison that’s “so nice that many accused criminals with political connections pull strings to win admission.” Presumably because the interrogations are “clever” without annoying attorneys or the Red Cross allowed. Boo-yeah.

So watch out for those libruls who want to close Guantánamo and all our non-secret prisons around the world. They want to deprive these detainees of their luxurious resort lifestyles by sending them to Illinois—where they can use their terrorist superpowers to enslave small-town Illinois people with mind control—and also prevent these Muslims from being tortured, as God demands. See why God hates libruls?

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