Recently those delightful Ultramontanes over at the Eternal Word Television Network (EWTN) took some time to explain to the ignorant masses why God wants us to torture random Muslims. And because Barack Obama doesn’t want to torture The Muslims, being a secret African Muslim himself, God is quite peeved at him.
Raymond Arroyo, who we are told is the principle teacher of Catholic things in the United States, apparently has a show on EWTN called “The World Over.” Although we don’t really understand what that means, it’s a terrific show! Arroyo had this guest thing called a “Marc Thiessen,” which was identified as the Chief Speechifier of the Bush Administration. This experience naturally makes Thiessen an expert on Catholic theology, because if you listen to them carefully all the Bush speeches sound just like the sermons of St. John Chrysostom.
The genial Arroyo asks Thiessen to expound on proper Catholic teaching on this matter. “Even many Catholics, many viewers of this program,” Raymond Arroyo says, are questioning the value of torture! Please tell us why we should support this unconditionally.
Thiessen explains that he loves his mother, who was once a Nazi prisoner. This is somehow relevant. Then he pledges allegiance to The Geneva Conventions, which forbids torture. Luckily, none of the “interrogation techniques” are torture! See how simple it is? All you have to do is change the word, and everything is OK!
Thiessen explains why he came up with this new Catholic way to support The Things That Are Not Torture:
I try to do my best to live up to the Magisterium of the Church in my life. So to me it was important to understand that these techniques were effective, they were necessary, there was no other way to get the information, and that they were carried out in a moral way.
This is an important example for us all. Begin with a conclusion and then look for the reasoning. Otherwise, you’re nothing but a librul. Now as a general rule, when EWTN or other Great Defenders of the Truth want to make a point, they Google papal documents to support their position. This is more difficult in the case of The Things That Are Not Torture, because the popes do not seem to understand the situation. And neither do evil libruls like Christiane Amanpour. Arroyo congratulates Thiessen for giving Amanpour “the smackdown” when she used the T word. Then they giggle at his great rhetorical triumph.
What people don’t understand, Thiessen explains, is that The Muslims want to be subjected to The Things That Are Not Torture! We are only doing them a favor when we do, because it gives them religious wiggle-room to spill their guts. Thiessen says Khalid Sheik Muhammad gave his waterboarding experience an enthusiastic five-star thumbs-up on Yelp: “You must do this for all the brothers,” he pleaded. Maybe KSM knew all about that Green Balloons thing.
As you might imagine, though, the real enemy is Barack Obama. By turning up his nose at The Things That Are Not Torture, Thiessen says Obama “gave the enemy a playbook for how to resist interrogation.” This is because all the people in the Bush Administration were such geniuses that they derived totally new “techniques” and stuff that have not been around since the Inquisition. These “techniques” are so new and secret they should be patented!
But the audience of EWTN was somewhat appalled, because they do not understand the greatness of Thiessen’s theology. They kept emailing in complaining about what he was saying. Luckily, Arroyo did not air any of these heretical opinions. He just laughed at these poor ignorant people. As well he should have, because he has Truth on his side!
Be afraid of Barack Obama and his evil compassion, stopping The Things That Are Not Torture and closing the tropical resort at Guantánamo Bay. We have Thiessen’s personal assurance that neither of these were Al Qaeda recruiting tools. He explained: “Evil always makes up an excuse.”
Amen, brother. Amen.
Evil *does* always make up an excuse! Clearly!