Meh. Guantánamo. First of all, we need it to exact terrifying revenge on random Muslims picked up along obscure roads, and to torture them into submission. ‘Cause hey, Islam means “submission,” amiright? So there should be no mercy for them. Also, Guantánamo is actually kind of like a spa resort.
You see, Guantanamo is not like some sort of prison with inmates wearing orange jumpsuits. No, it’s all been upgraded. Inmates now wear soft earthen tones. I think Marc Jacobs would approve.
And because Guantánamo is so luxurious, The Weekly Standard assures us “Guantánamo has simply never been a major part of al Qaeda’s recruitment strategy.” You see, that’s because the “inmates” are actually treated like visiting royalty!
They can play soccer, basketball, or foosball; exercise on elliptical equipment; and consort with their fellow detainees for up to 20 hours per day in the outdoor recreation area. They can take art classes or learn English.
Also, they read Harry Potter novels. No report on whether they think Dumbledore is gay.
This same resort atmosphere is also apparent at a visit to the supposedly “secret” U.S. prisons in Afghanistan. Secret my ass. The Weekly Standard proves they are not “secret.” True, no one is allowed to say where they are located, and prisoners (Oops, sorry, “detainees”) there are not allowed protection under the Geneva Convention, but does that make them “secret?” Come on now.
The Weekly Standard’s Willy Stern visited these supposedly secret prisons. He can’t say where they are, but he emphatically assures us they are not “secret.” There prisoners frolic in idyllic surroundings and genially invite him into their luxury suites for tea to enjoy soccer on their 40-inch HDTVs. The Weekly Standard points out that not even our troops enjoy such luxury! The kindly guards sing the prisoners to sleep every night with soft lullabys. And the Red Cross can even visit, although they are not allowed to speak to any of the prisoners. So there.
Interrogation techniques? They are “clever” according to The Weekly Standard. Partly because the interrogators wear regular clothes! How humane! Plus, there are not a bunch of “uptight lawyers…looking over your shoulder.” Hahaha! Stupid lawyers.
There’s this women’s prison in Afghanistan. It’s “spacious, with doe-eyed children frolicking in the courtyard on a blue swing set, slide, and seesaw. There’s also a small classroom and a huge pile of American toys–think Spiderman dolls–donated by aid groups in the United States.” Because Republicans are always collecting money to give toys to children in Afghan prisons, you know.
And there’s this men’s prison that’s “so nice that many accused criminals with political connections pull strings to win admission.” Presumably because the interrogations are “clever” without annoying attorneys or the Red Cross allowed. Boo-yeah.
So watch out for those libruls who want to close Guantánamo and all our non-secret prisons around the world. They want to deprive these detainees of their luxurious resort lifestyles by sending them to Illinois—where they can use their terrorist superpowers to enslave small-town Illinois people with mind control—and also prevent these Muslims from being tortured, as God demands. See why God hates libruls?
Drop-cap goodness courtesy of Jessica Hische’s Daily Drop Cap, visible in participating browsers.
Really good satire draws one in provocatively and makes one laugh. Then the aftertaste begins and it is not good. You have done that brilliantly here.
[...] of Barack Obama and his evil compassion, stopping the Things That Are Not Torture and closing the tropical resort at Guantánamo Bay. We have Thiessen’s personal word that neither of these were Al Qaeda recruiting tools. He [...]